Coming out

The seasons began to change from a cold New England winter to a long Spring as we approached the Summer months. We continued working hard, taking the Metro North into New York City with our heavy instruments and performing acoustic versions of our songs in several office spaces across the city for “important people.” The stakes were high. We approached Disney, Nickelodeon, MTV, and more and all of them seemed to love us. “Innocence with an edge” is what we used to say to describe us, but behind the curtain, I had a huge secret.

My relationship with my boyfriend, Matt started to dwindle down over the months following our first show and one day, I received a text from him asking if we could “talk.” I knew what was coming. I told him to call me, or come over to talk in person, but he was out with friends. Not wanting to wait all night to be broken up with, I texted him back, “Just say what you’re going to say. I already know.” He broke up with me via text message on my flip phone. I was really sad considering we had been going out for a year and a half, but this didn’t come out of nowhere. I was harboring a huge secret that sort of became the reason that may have drove Matt to make the break.

Prior to even entering high school, I began notice that my feelings towards my girl friends were starting to feel a little too strong. They would talk about their crushes on the boys in our grade, and I would feel jealous. I felt like something was wrong with me but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t until one particularly warm day in January when my mom and I finished shopping for sneakers at Dick’s Sporting Goods at the mall when she asked me, “So, do you like Haley?” My friend Haley had been sleeping over a lot lately. She was a new friend that I had acquired in 8th grade and unlike my previous sleepovers with friends, Haley and I would share my bed rather than her sleep on the yellow futon in my room. This didn’t actually mean anything, rather Haley was one of those people that fell asleep at 8 pm, which happened to be in my bed while we were watching a movie or hanging out. Not wanting to sleep on the futon, I would just flip around and try to fall asleep next to her feet. I loved having sleepovers with Haley, but her early bedtime routine was not fun. I would lay around for hours in the dark, uncomfortable due to sharing a twin-sized bed, and bored out of my mind in the silent darkness of the room because sleepovers were meant for staying up late watching movies and eating junk food. I wasn’t quite sure what my mom meant by the question so I answered honestly, “Yeah! She’s great. I’m really glad we’re friends.” My mom looked at me and realized her question was a little too vague for her point. “That’s great,” She said, “but, do you… like like her?” The words came out of her mouth so casually, but my world stopped. My heart fell out of my butt and I was speechless. Suddenly, a light went on in my head showing a huge sign in flashing, bright, neon sign letters, “I LIKE GIRLS.” I looked over at my mom who waiting for a response, but instead, a panic grew inside of me and suddenly all the little tiny versions of me inside my brain burst into the conference room in my cerebral cortex and began discussing my options immediately. Here’s what I imagined was going on inside my head:

Honest Me: She knows! This is my chance to say my truth!

Worried Me: What if she cries and tells me that I’m disgusting and she doesn’t want to be my mom anymore?

Pessimistic Me: My life is over. That’s it… no more fun-loving family. Might as well hop out of the car now and start my new life all alone at 14.

Optimistic Me: Don’t be silly! She asked me! She’s probably way cool and my life is going to be awesome! It will be so great to just be ME!

Paranoid Me: She’s looking at me weirdly. What is she thinking?! Life is never going to be the same!

“No!” I said out loud, “No, but…” I was shaking. Tears began to form in my eyes and I let them fall. Honest Caitlin won. It didn’t matter what was going to happen next but I needed to be honest with myself. “I have a huge crush on Allie from softball!” The words escaped my mouth and I tightened my eyes shut, afraid to look at my mom. All of a sudden, her arms were wrapped around me. I opened my eyes as she told me, “Oh honey, thank you for telling me. You can love whoever you want to. I don’t care if they’re black or white, green, purple, a boy, a girl, or any person, as long as they treat you well and you are happy.” She drove me to Dunkin Donuts and bought me a hot chocolate and got herself a coffee and then we drove to the beach. We sat on the rocks that jut out into the water and talked all about love. I told her I just like people, and she said that was totally awesome. I never had to worry again. And when I met Matt in October of my freshmen year, my mom welcomed him with open arms.

Matt and I were a great couple. We both played music, we loved silly TV shows like Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! and we had the same taste in comfort foods like Velveeta mac and cheese and his friend, Bryn’s killer barbecue sauce that we used to make homemade wings. There was absolutely nothing wrong with Matt, however, he was a guy and after a while, my feelings for girls came rushing back.

One night, I was invited to a small get-together with a few older girls at my school who were watching a show called, The L Word. They must have sensed it in me, and invited me along. I had never seen the show before but I quickly became obsessed, and after school, I started finding leaked episodes of it online to watch alone in my room instead of getting together with Matt. After a few weeks of dodging his calls to hang out, he got the hint and broke up with me. I wish I could have been honest with him as well, but I loved him and didn’t want to break his heart. To this day, he’s the only ex of mine that remained a friend.

We were having band practice one day for an acoustic performance we had coming up and I was feeling distracted. I kept messing up my tambourine part, which sounds absolutely ridiculous because it’s just shaking a tambourine, but I was so in my head! There was this girl that I was talking to and just started hanging out with. Due to my amazing relationship with my parents, I told them about her with excitement. My dad was on board, however, he couldn’t help but feel concerned that it might cause an issue with the band. He told me not to say anything to Mike and just keep it to myself, but it was getting harder and harder to do so. We were singing a cover of Blind Melon’s No Rain when I messed up yet again. Tears formed in my eyes so Mike cleared the room so it was just he and I. “What’s the matter?” He asked genuinely concerned. I shook my head. “Did you rob a bank?” I shook my head no. “Do you have a million kids I don’t know about?” We both laughed. “What is it? You can tell me anything.” I panicked knowing my dad had just told me to keep my secret a secret but again, it needed to come out. I needed to come out. I was around these people all day, every day and I couldn’t hide who I truly was. Just as I was about to answer, Mike turned and headed toward the porch, “If you don’t tell me, I’m going to ask your dad.”

My dad and the rest of the band were outside on the porch and had been giving Mike and I some privacy to chat. This was bad. I didn’t want my dad to be mad at me. Again, I feared that everything was going to change. I ran upstairs to the top of the steps which were located a few feet from the front door of my house to sit and await my fate. I heard my dad raise his voice a bit but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. In a minute or two, my dad came inside and stood, arms crossed at the bottom of the steps. He motioned with his finger for me to come down. I had really done it now. That’s it, the band is over and it’s all my fault.

I opened the front door to the house to meet Mike on the outdoor sectional on our front porch. The rest of the band were innocently running around the yard. My dad sat to my left, and Mike to my right. “So, tell me what’s going on,” Mike said. I took a deep breath and began to answer when my dad jumped in, “She won’t say anything! She knows it will ruin -.” Mike cut him off and let me speak. I told him I was kind of dating this girl, Lizzie and I really liked her and I liked girls but I didn’t want it to affect the band. Mike smiled and it eased all the tension I had. “So what!” He said, “That’s cool. Since your audience is a bit young, maybe you can keep it to yourself for now, but I’m totally cool with it.” He told my dad to relax and that it wasn’t a big deal at all. I felt a sigh of relief. I ran inside to call Lizzie and tell her the good news. She was thrilled to hear that I had bravely come out to my band and everyone was supportive. While I was inside, everyone left my house. After I hung up my phone call, I heard a knock at my bedroom door. It was my dad who apologized for being worried and letting his fear take over my happiness. He was overjoyed that Mike accepted it and that everything was going to be okay. Carly and my dad gave me a big hug when my ten-year-old sister, Cori walked out of her room, “What’s going on?” She said interrupting the hug. I looked at her and said, “I’m dating Lizzie.” I wasn’t quite worried about her response since I had the whole family and now my band backing me up, but Cori shouted, “How come I’m the last to know?!” And joined in on the hug. We all laughed and I cried happy tears.

For the next couple of years in the band, I kept my identity a secret for the most part. My close friends and family all knew and grew to love Lizzie. My fans knew who she was but not that she was my girlfriend. I remember us all laughing about a Tumblr post made by a fan who was calling out Lizzie for being “obsessed with Carly and Caitlin from Kicking Daisies.” Little did that person know that she was my girlfriend and that’s why she was always at my house or at my shows. In retrospect, keeping things a secret didn’t really bother me since my family and friends were so great. I do not judge or feel hurt by my dad’s concerns back then, or Mike telling me to keep it to myself because, at that time, that’s how it was. I was just excited that I was able to be myself around them. In fact, all of the songs I wrote during Kicking Daisies were about girls. It was easy to do so because Duran sang them, which automatically made it seem like they were coming from his point of view about a girl. My life was my life, and that part of me didn’t really feel like it needed to be a part of “Caitlin from Kicking Daisies.” The only thing I wish I could have done was to make a path for my fans to learn how to love and accept themselves for who they are. I wish it wasn’t so strange to be gay and that I could have been a role model back then for kids like me.

The Dresden

Our first show ever!